i dont really know why my brain is wired to feel such incredible feelings just by looking at a little guy with pretty colours just because i spent 12 hours trying to make him look like that. i guess i do understand and now i gotta figure out how to write allat out, i think my vocabulary is pretty good but i gotta make it better if i wanna figure out how to best articulate everything i think and feel but i think that skill will naturally improve the more i create this space. ALSO I JUST WANNA TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY GOOD JOB OLIVIA ON WORKING ON THE WEBSITE VERY WELL DONE :D but yeah my brain is really good at only seeking out things that bring me joy and tuning out and forgetting all the things that upset me. so it kinda lets me feel good almost all of the time, taking acid every few months also helps reinforce this feeling in my brain and luckily for me i had my wonderful lil tab yesterday and have now entered the next phase of my existence which is all so very exciting but this was just the natural result of everything.
i find myself feeling a little overwhelmed as i have decided that its very urgent we get everything onto this website and if im thinking then i sure as hell better be typing but unfortunately sometimes i gotta do other things like shower and eat and so i gotta go do that and i have an inkling im going to think things while i do those things and i wont have a keyboard infront of me to document those thoughts but i should just chill out because there is nothing stopping me from remembering the things i think and just thinking them again once im infront of a keyboard again and considering how much time (forever) i have to do this i think i should have no trouble recalling all of the thoughts ive ever had.
there are so many things and people i desperately want to learn about and i wish i could learn it all at once because im a lazy bastard but welp we just gotta go out there and seek it all out because thats how it all works.
i wrote all this and then moved it to this separate page away from the main homepage of my website because well i dont really know i just wanted to and thats reason enough and i will organise it further later on but ive done a lot of work today and i may resume some more work but i've had fun i learned a lot make sure to click on the shaman or dont its not too important also the japanese text in the title just simply says "hello world" i think its pretty neat i can type that out without having to use google translate and i cant wait to document a lot of my japanese learning on this website too itll be very fun and cool and will probably make it easier to recall everything i learn.
update: most of what was here has been moved to the "acid" section as most of the stuff here was written while i was high on acid and i think its appropriate to create a separate space for my acid thoughts, unfortunately that section wont be updated until my next tab which will be a while but perhaps ill discuss some thoughts on psychadelics over there maybe idk.
i wanted to remove the shaman from the homepage but i felt bad about completely removing her so ive decided to simply relocate her here hope thats chill.
I AM TRYING TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY MIND BY CONSCIOUSLY USING IT.
there is a section in blue lock where ego talks about "dream doping" which is basically a common habit people fall into where they stop chasing their dreams and unconsciously instead start to chase the "feeling of following your dreams" they refuse to acknowledge their flaws and stop trying to fundamentally change themselves and continue to pursue something without actually acknowledging the real problem because it is too hard/painful. i am by no means a dream doper and i can say that with full confidence however the reason i bring this up is that i do find myself very often consuming "self help" content which can sound good and it can also begood however the real problem arises when thats allyou do. i can watch a billion videos on how to improve your life a billion videos that tell you "you should read more, pick up a new skill, find something that you are drawn to and learn about it" and its all great advice yes but there comes a time where you actually need to close the video and start actually doing those things. as i have said a lot at this point that is a big part of why i started to work on this website as it is helping me to escape the bubbles i create when i try to avoid social media, i end up going back to social media and mass consuming content but just in a different form under the guise of "self help" what inspired me to write this was i started watching the video i linked above and although i have maybe shown a negative attitude towards self help content in this paragraph a lot of what she says does resonate with me very strongly. i didnt even end up finishing the video because the compulsion to start creating overpowered my desire to continue consuming this content. i think the videos fine and good but what was more important to me was that the video served as a reminder, listening to her give the advice shes giving ive already heard it before in so many videos and also just thought of that kind of thing independently. it kinda snapped me awake and made me stop and realise "ok we need to reenable this youtube recommendations blocker extension and stop consuming content and instead make some" which is why i linked the video. i do however really like the message of "self-education" i think ive always been in a believer in that from a very young age. i remember being so bored of school and so wildly uninterested in the topics that were being shown to us and thinking to myself "the internet can teach all of this so much more efficiently and i could actually go on there and learn about shit i actually wanna learn about" saying that kinda makes me sound like a pretentious douche but that is a genuine thought i had and i still kinda feel that way. i do better understand now that school was important because it teaches you how to learn and also can help you find out what you want to do in your life (although it did not help me with that at all) but yeah its kinda upsetting how we weren't really told at all in school to take advantage of the infinite knowledge available to us on the internet and to just learn from these textbooks or whatever the fuck was infront of us. but yeah to tie it back to what i was saying about dream doping i felt embarrassed to be sitting there watching this video thinking about doing things without actually going ahead and just fucking doing them so it feels really good to write all this. on a side note im getting my digital piano today and im finally gonna get to dip my toes into making music, im really excited to learn piano because i think ill be insanely good at it and pick it up really fast. and i really need something like that right now because although this website is a fun creative outlet so far its just me writing and i would quite like something "more".
(it doesnt hurt but for those a little afraid of that kind of experience there is also a normal home button just below c: )